never enough

Hello, person of the planet Earth.

As I’ve been released from the obligation to write in this blog, I have somewhat deserted it. I have decided to post here from time to time, though, as it keeps my mind in place and it makes me feel accomplished, even if the post I’ve written isn’t something that I’m quite proud of. The question of being enough is actually the subject I wanted to write about today, as I’ve struggled with this issue for the largest part of my conscious life.

I often find myself with no goal, roaming through time and space, taking up resources such as food and water, without contributing with anything to the world. These past months I’ve told myself that this feeling comes from me becoming an adult and feeling the need to be responsible and to make money fall on my shoulders. It’s like a tumor of the thoughts, always hanging in there, reminding you of your uselessness. Every passing day feels like another day wasted, with nothing productive and/or meaningful happening.

Which is why I got a job. An office job. A job where I wake up at 7, get in the office, sit there and be on the computer from 8 to 5, then go home and repeat.

If you ask me if I like it, I can’t possibly answer truthfully. The artist in me (whose existence I doubt more and more) feels like I’m giving up on myself and on my dreams. I keep telling myself that it’s only for the summer, just to kill some time and to make some money while away from the UK. As I’m somewhat working for my mom, I can take breaks whenever and I can even work from home. I get to have coffee and take cigarette breaks and have lunch as many times as I want. I can even hide in a studio and take power naps inbetween tasks. On the good days I get to take pictures of people and then work on them on Photoshop. It’s an easy job. I can get away with doing almost nothing all day. And I get paid for it.

This doesn’t take away the feeling of being trapped, though.

The realization that feeling trapped is entirely my fault is something that is hard to swallow. I’m someone that believes that everything happens because you let it. Which, consequently, means that I let myself do nothing, which led to nothing productive happening, which led to me feeling guilty about it, which led to me getting a boring office job just so I can say that I’m doing something, then feeling guilty about not doing something I like and feeling like I’m wasting my time on this Earth.

And now what?

I’m definitely someone that thinks too much. Perhaps that occurs because I have too much time on my hands. And even if I don’t, which is the case now that I have a job, I’m still not doing something I like.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that there’s nothing more important than doing something you love for a living. Maybe I’m yet to find that thing, or maybe I need to shape myself and my interests into that thing. The truth is you either make things happen, or you spend your life sulking around and feeling as worthless as a jumper on a hot summer day.

I have set goals connected to film for the summer and I hope that gets me back on my feet.

 

Until next time, 
Gabriella

 

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